Monday, February 22, 2010

Sunday, February 21, 2010

How He Loves...


After years of struggling to figure out the root of many of my issues, I believe that the answer came today, in worship. The words to the song, below, were a point of recognition for me:

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

by David Crowder

I don't accept the LOVE OF GOD, like I should. I feel so unworthy. And, I am. But that doesn't stop Him from loving. So, I am left with the choice to either ignore His Love and get by, on my own, which contradicts all that I believe, or I can learn to just RECEIVE, and in reception of God's Pure Love, I may find wholeness, healing, and security...those things which I constantly struggle to maintain. Why? Because I keep trying to find them outside of Perfect Love.

God, I want you and I need you, desperately. Interrupt my ignorance and pour out your Love. Bathe me, cleanse me, heal me, surprise me. Show me Your Love, once more. I am ready to KNOW IT!!!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Like breathing?

A - Author’s
R - Revealed
T - Truth

I am once again at a crossroads: assessing - nay, trying to identify - the barriers I have created, that are currently limiting my ability to produce. I thought of the above acronym, this evening, and I believe that it revealed part of my dilemma. I love art: its experience and its making. However, my love is coupled with FEAR and AWE that sober my joy of unabashed creation. I DO understand the weight of the pieces I make. They are supposed to reflect Him. All that I am is supposed to reflect Him. Afterall, He WAS and IS and Was before ALL that is now. So, the best I can ever do is echo His expression, in my own attempts. And yet, even in that freedom to make something “unoriginal,” I still honor the reality that if my work DOES NOT echo Him, I have become futile. And, I want my life to matter. I do not want to waste my energies on something that might not have worth.

Hence, as is often the case, I have given so much value to my understanding that I am limited within my mind - paused at the crux of creativity. But maybe, not. If I can begin to surrender my understanding of art’s responsibility, within my mind, I may find the ability to move again.

Great Author, Creator of all and giver of art, teach me how to make what You desire and calm my heart and mind when they waste time worrying about release. Show me how to shape, once more...

Monday, February 8, 2010

To Be or Not to be...

AVAILABLE: able to be used or obtained; at someone's disposal; free to do something

Does this define my life before The One To Whom I Cling?

We live in a world that is time-bound. And greater injustice is added to this reality, for those of us that live in the fast-paced, money-driven, Western world. We are constantly aware of our time (or lack thereof) and finding new ways to maximize the small amount of time we never seem to have. We strategize our meetings, inviting multiple departments to the same table that we may increase productivity over a shorter span of time. We purchase and invest energy in technology, designed to keep EVERYTHING in one place, in order that we can "do away" with the need for multiple digital outlets. We write texts, instead of emails and choose abbreviations, within those texts, instead of full sentences, so that we can communicate as succinctly as possible. We purchase pre-packed meals so that all items are combined on one plate, with limited preparation...and the list goes on. But the irony remains: we never seem to find enough time.

I have to ask myself the question: if I never seem to find enough time, what am I wasting time doing that prevents me from investing in those things I truly need?

My answer? Not making myself accessible to God. That is the key issue that will unlock having enough time to do other things. I am more aware than ever that my number one problem has been NOT making ENOUGH time for God.

God: our Father, our Friend, and King of the Universe. He is not bound by time, nor does He feel limited by it. Time is something He invented, so it is not a threat to Him. But it does pose a threat to my relationship, with Him, when I try to make Him fit within my time-bound thinking (and my "all-important" schedule). If I truly desire to be known by Him, and to be used by Him, I cannot decide when and how that will happen. (It is enough that He WANTS to use me!) If God chooses to invest Himself IN and THROUGH me, I must begin to live a life, marked by AVAILABILITY. I must stop saying that He can have "x" amount of minutes, in my day, or that He may take liberty to show His power at "such and such" a time, in my life or my church service. Rather, I must treat Him with at least the same respect I treat those with whom I have earthly relationship.

To claim desire for intimacy and companionship with my spouse or family and then avoid their presence or interrupt their conversation - every time they begin sharing their heart with me - would be rude and ridiculous. After a while, they would stop believing my intention to know them. My actions would speak louder than my words.

So, how is it any different, in my relationship with TOTWIC? If I say I want to KNOW HIM, I must stop and listen to Him, as He shares WHO HE IS. If I say I want TO BE USED by Him, I must stop my own agenda and focus on His. If I profess interest in being AVAILABLE, I have to actually BE AVAILABLE. And, since I serve a God NOT BOUND by the time which limits me, I have to learn that I WILL BE INTERRUPTED. I will feel as though my schedule was put "on hold", in order to accomplish His purposes. But, until I am willing to let go of that which is fleeting, I will never fully be able to be used. I am only one of many. There are others that can accomplish His Kingdom Work. But, I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss an opportunity to be in service for the King of Kings.

So, here I am, Lord. I am ready. Interrupt my life...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Children of Light

We were created to be mirrors, but somewhere, along the way, we have gotten smudged and greasy. We don't always reflect the Light of our Father, because other things have gotten in the way, and His reflection cannot be truly known in and through us. We must allow ourselves to be wiped clean, by His Hand, so that our original intention can be restored.

Father, shower your spiritual Windex, over my life, so that I may be restored to reflecting You. I want to be available, at your beckoning, not limited by the smudges of my own lack. Wash me, anew...

For you used to be darkness; but now, united with the Lord, you are light.
Live like children of the light...

Ephesians 5:8

Thursday, February 4, 2010

closing doors

today was an interesting "end of an era." i closed an email and blog account i have owned, for the past 12 years. i copied and saved everyone of my writings, but i released my emails into the forgotten past. i realized that though it was time to terminate the account, it was also time to move beyond the memories it carried. sometimes our emotional and mental space is like our home storage. at some point, we have to throw things out or give them away. if we hold onto EVERYTHING FOREVER, we simply clutter our lives and prevent ourselves from being able to welcome that which is new.


i still am, but i've ceased making it my online identity.

goodbye high school and college. it was nice.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Pathway to Uncovering...

I'm on a great adventure.

Well, I have been for sometime, but I got a bit sidetracked and forgot that I'd been commissioned for such a great work.

I work for the One To Whom I Cling, uncovering things.

Certainly, nothing is hidden from Him. Why would He require things to be uncovered? Because it's not for Him. It's for me. He knows and sees all, but sometimes, from my human perspective, those things aren't so obvious. So, He's invited me to use His tools (shovel, bucket, brushes) and do a bit of excavation. I guess I have been hired as a sort of spiritual archeologist. And, it is so interesting! There are multiple discoveries EVERYDAY! It is the best gig I've ever had. It's productive, it's inspirational, it's rewarding. I can't imagine why I had forgotten the work...I wasted time. But, the great part about this role is that OTWIC doesn't allow ANYTHING to be wasted. He redeems time and energy, so now that I'm back on the job, I'm getting enough done to make up for past absence.

Each day, I dig, I brush away, and I chronicle what I've found. But the amazing difference between my work and an actual archeologist is that my discoveries allude to further hidden mysteries. I can actually infer what I might find next, from something I've already found. Moreover, I KNOW that I'll find the rest of the missing pieces. They haven't been eaten by the earth, like some fossils. Every single part is available, if I just keep digging. And, as I go, my discoveries bring me closer to OTWIC, because they are all linked to WHO HE IS! Isn't that incredible?! So, I not only get to find out mind-blowing new things, about life, history, and the future, but I am simultaneously growing in my relationship with my boss. He spends every moment with me, while I uncover and helps me understand what I've found.

I think there may be more available positions. I'll check with Him and let you know.

Honestly, you don't want to miss this opportunity. Oh, and don't worry about your skill set. No prior experience is needed. You learn, on the job...