so, how is my hamster wheel functioning these days?
well, today was such that felt slightly rusty, not in its inability to function, but in the rocky way it seemed to guide me from thought to thought. in the end, i wonder that my mind is not less of a hamster wheel and more of a variable information highway. in the former, the same path is taken, leading one down a monotonous road, that though fast-paced, never adds or gains perspective or pursuit. in the latter, one has opportunity to continually change lanes, change modes of transporation, or choose - in any given moment - to stop or alter one's path of direction, by maneuvering through exits and on ramps. this is why my internal processes can feel so overwhelming! there are simply too many choices. in attempting to quiet one voice, another begs my attention on the other side of the median and i am whipped in an instant U-turn, wondering when and how i can recover from this sudden change in direction.
todays' challenge felt like the road rage scene from The Matrix Reloaded, in which Trinity attempts to safely transfer her passenger. agents begin shape-shifting and materializing in variation when their initial attempts at desolation are unsuccessful.
and this is where i feel myself relating.
so many times, a negative thought tries to bombard my mind, playing the role of the agent that slams vehicles with bullet, in the scene. i dodge to miss the flying shrapnel, but the thoughts continue to pursue, even entering into my personal space to distract me from the actions in which i am desperately trying to participate. on and on, until finally the battle is over and though i come out unharmed, i am weakened and aware of possible future attack.
i only have on ANSWER for how to cope and it's the ONE to which i've turned every time i experience these waves of cranial warfare. each time, i manage to escape more quickly. my hope and my trust is that with each passing day, i will more successfully quiet the ENEMY of my mind, until the only sound left is the voice of The One To Whom I Cling.
Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me, God, and know my every thought. See if in me there is any offensive way, and lead me in the Eternal Way.