Wednesday, April 23, 2008

the present definition

you can't know what it's like until you live it.

i have observed the process - the transformation from desire to fulfillment - in the lives of many friends, throughout the past few years. yet, each time, i assumed my own experience would somehow pan out in a more balanced manner.

silly me. balanced? if there's one word i'd choose to describe myself, it certainly wouldn't be that one! still, my personal aspirations tend to dictate my view of myself, as i am continually desiring to improve upon my present state of being. hence, unable to anticipate my own reactions, i laid claim to a calm, cool, and collected matter of opinion.

now the tables have turned. it is my draw on the deck of life and instead of playing with convincing poker face, i am resigned surrender to the power of the trump! and, frankly, it's a defeat well worth admitting.

when my best friend fell in love with her now husband, she would cry to the mellow tune of Daniel Bedingfield's "If You're Not the One."

when my dearest dancer friend found her match, she cried whenever she couldn't arrange to see her love, by the hour, adjusting any and all schedule conflicts to ensure time by his side, even if it meant watching him while he worked.

when my sister fixed her gaze, she lost interest in our sister time and chose to prioritize according to the new soul mate in her life.

each and every time, i recognized their need for such commitment, but couldn't quite grasp the depth of devotion, though i desired to share in the knowledge for myself. it simply wasn't clear, because it wasn't translated into my own experience yet.

yet now? well, just look at me!

i cry at EVERY song that connects our lives. i will do ANYTHING to spend time in his presence. i will sacrifice ALL relational circumstances to allow him the priority of my time and energy.


because i love him more than my own life.

because he's EXACTLY the one that i've waited my whole life to love.

because he opens and unlocks a part of me that never existed before.

i am crazy in love and a sucker for his time, weakened by the mere thought of his presence in my space. the longing for him in my life is a craving, unquenchable, and i realize that since i have experienced this type of love, through my relationship with him, i am now ruined for this world, in relation to knowing otherwise. i will NEVER be able to return to a mindset that doesn't require him for EVERY major and minor part of my life. he is my home, my safety, my joy, my delight! i am his. he is mine. and for every tear cried by the eyes of my friends for the love of their mates, i have cried thousands.

even tonight, after a perfect day together, i was aching for more that wasn't to be had. and i recalled, once again, that old statement G-d made to Eve in Genesis 3. After the fall of man into sin, He says to her: "your desire shall be for your husband." and from that moment on, our makeup changed, as women. we would now live for that connection. and once it's found, their is no way to erase our awareness of its presence. we are altered. we depend on their place in our space, for our very lives.

so, friends, were right. i had NO IDEA.

ah, but a fool i am for that man.

i am undone.


sooprgrll said...

It's funny because I think a lot of people assume it's not going to be that exciting for them. Then it turns out that way!!

coconomad said...

well, i'm not so convinced that i lacked anticipation of excitement. rather, i believe that i couldn't pre-empt the way in which the energy of love and devotion would re-wire my thoughts and feelings. i didn't know that active love was so raw that it almost hurts sometimes because of how intensely deep it inhabits one's soul. through the whole reality, i'm beginning to REALLY understand the connection that Paul draws between Messiah and the church, when comparing the two to marriage. if this is how intensely He longs for us and desires to know us, then we have a new perspective on what it means to dedicate our lives to Him and His service.